Candid Verses: Of
Marriage and Men
“It was the best of times,
it was the worst of times, it was
the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness!”
I must confess the first few months after the break-up were
pretty hard, as I brooded and sulked like a sick chicken. But then, like most
adult resilient Nepalis, I blamed her
for everything. Walla! It made me feel a whole lot better. As winter turned to
spring, all the relationship experts in my family, friends, and relatives
joined in to turn around my life with a solution –the panacea to all Nepali’s
problems- MARRIAGE. Reluctantly, unwillingly, and hesitantly – I agreed to the
norms of such an arrangement, because according to the experts, I had now
reached the age of no reasoning.
Thus, the first step of my healing process didn’t begin with a
self-reflection but rather with a well-orchestrated selfie, just enough to hide
my receding hairline, taken from my newly minted smart phone, and sent all over
the world (to Nepali families that I had no idea existed), and affixed also
with my overhyped resume. Slowly at first, then steadier, a deluge of prospects
came reckoning, each with a disclaimer along the lines of “If you don’t agree
to this, you’re losing a chance of a lifetime!” It is surprising how everyone
else knows exactly what I want in life, except me. Anyways, I went along with
the circus.
“She’s a social worker – she works with children. It will be
much easier for you in a few years.” Well, of course! It was not the idea of
the social worker that appealed to me, but this insight that she may even earn
less than my non-profit research job paved way to the romanticism of future
struggles, especially when we’d have children. You see, I am a far-sighted guy.
“What are you doing?” she texted via G-Chat which I had just
begun to learn on the smart phone. “I am cooking chicken - I like them crisp” I
boasted typing like a teenager slid the phone into my pocket. A haunting
silence ensued. Slightly irritated, I checked my phone and realized in horror
what I had typed. Darn you “autocorrect!” My text read unapologetically “I am cooking children – I like them crisp”
So that’s that!
Unfazed with this first fiasco, I was resolute to move on to
the second- an accountant, a perfect family material according to the sources.
Now that I had mastered the art of g-chat, things seemed to go smoothly until
we decided to meet up – in an Afghan restaurant in Jackson Heights. After
exchanging the pleasantries, she turned serious “You don’t laugh much during
our conversations, do you?” I have to be honest here, but she wasn’t that funny
and I wasn’t exactly cracking jokes. I managed a smile and ordered the lamb
shank and motioned to her. “I already had dinner. And I have to leave soon. My
cousins are waiting outside” Woah! Without much thought, I blurted out “So what
do you want in life?” She answered back hurriedly but in a serious vein “I have
two dogs now, and I want at least three more!” I would have wanted a more
thorough explanation, but timing was inappropriate. She had to leave and the
lamb-shank had arrived. I was in a dilemma. They say you always have to be at
the right time at the right place, and this probably wasn’t!
The next date couldn’t be more fitting. She was on a
business pitch in downtown Manhattan, and I had been unemployed for a month. An
entrepreneur and the unemployed- a match made in Wall Street depression. We sat
down in uncomfortable silence preoccupied by our thoughts – her probably in her
business pitch the next day and me in my current wallet denting endeavor in the
$$$$ restaurant. I should have YELP’d harder, but it was too late now. Trying
to distract myself, I asked about her business pitch. She stood there with her
hands crossed looking right at me – well right through me and uttered a few
quiet words. I asked if she wanted some wine hoping she wouldn’t. She didn’t.
Feeling better, I cracked a few spontaneous jokes to the silence that was
prolonging to which she gave a wry smile. As we finished our meal quietly, I
asked her “So, what kind of food do you like?” she shrugged. “I like all the
east Asian food – Thai Vietnamese Indonesian” I continued. “What do you like”?She took her time, finished her meal,
wiped her face, and crossed her arms again and blurted “GOOD FOOD!” Months
later, I learned that Good Food meant French food- if only I had known!
After a few more unsatisfying and unrelenting dates, I told
everyone that I needed a break. Things simply don’t work this way, do they?
“Listen! You’re not
young anymore. You have to learn to compromise. Not everything will ever be
perfect. We’re old now” My parents lamented with their usual emotional
blackmail.
“Listen! You’re still young. Do not compromise. Everything will end up being perfect” suggested my newly married cousin, who seemed a little lost.
“Listen! You need to change. Change your hairstyle. Fashion. Be asshole to the gals” suggested my younger cousins.
“Listen! You’re a great catch. Do not change anything. Be nice to gals” suggested my married friends.
There was no letting up. It was only a matter of time the
deluge started again-
“We’ve found a perfect gal for you in the US. Infact, the mother called us and pleaded that you add her in FB. All you need to say is yes!” my father conveyed the prospect beaming with smile
“If it all works, we
should start planning marriage dates to give your siblings enough time to take
holidays” My mother joined in the skype, of the certainty of the latest
prospect.
Hold on a minute – I protested “I don’t even know who u r talking about!”
“You will – she’s the only daughter. You don’t want to lose out on this one” echoed my sister from the back.
Hold on a minute – I protested “I don’t even know who u r talking about!”
“You will – she’s the only daughter. You don’t want to lose out on this one” echoed my sister from the back.
It was the super-full moon night in August. We chatted
frivolously. We exchanged numbers. We called and talked through the night –
about family, career, childhood, and everything in between that may lay in the
future. It seemed natural. There seemed a connection. The stars seemed to be
aligning in my favor in a long time. Or so it seemed.
The next day, she sent me a note that she was going to be
away and may not respond for a while. A mere three weeks into this note, I saw
pictures of her engagement in FB. Rather perplexed and slightly angered, I sent
her a note on why she had not told me as adults? She responded by unfriending me. Next, I took
my anger onto my parents, who also seemed equally perplexed.
“Poor Mom. She had no idea her daughter had a BF in USA. She called this morning and apologized” A familiar theme of disconnect of parents from their children in the foreign land. It really was nobody’s fault. Well, except the Gal’s!
“Poor Mom. She had no idea her daughter had a BF in USA. She called this morning and apologized” A familiar theme of disconnect of parents from their children in the foreign land. It really was nobody’s fault. Well, except the Gal’s!
My parents may have stopped bothering me for a while, but
the calls about someone’s “amazing daughter, niece, friend, sister, colleague,
and acquaintances who is a perfect fit for me” continued on. Sometimes I’d just
get CVs of random girls and asked if this is the right fit. All I could say is
relationship- especially meant for life has to be gauzed through more than the
piece of stellar paper right?
Still I talked and learned a lot. About women who wanted to
travel around the world. About women who didn’t want to be tied to family.
About women who wanted to climb Kilimanjaro and do all the trekking. About
women who wanted to go on safaris. About women who wanted to run a big business.
Or even become a singer and/or an actress. All noble dreams indeed – yet no one
wanted seemed to have given the thought of settling down. And most were only
talking to me as they were coerced by their families, just like me.
“How come you haven’t done any travels?” “How come you just
started working?” “You don’t have Instagram?” “Why haven’t you updated anything
on FB?” “Why didn’t you go to Adele’s concert – it was there” Came their
quizzical replies. It seems to me that, as we grow older, the expectations from
our potential partner exceeds those of the very potential partners. We live in
a world where no one wants to compromise, perhaps the reflection of spike in
divorce we see more regularly among our friends and families.
“Maybe you can also check out the girls while you’re in
Nepal? After all they are all educated these days and much beautiful than the
ones in US!” My mom suggested a solution one day trying to make up for her
failed attempt earlier in the year. Why not? I shrugged.
“Love at the time of fuel crisis” I weaved romantic notions once more when I landed in KTM. It was only a matter of time I met a doctor in electric pagoda in Thamel, a place I loathed once but a quiet sojourn amid the crisis. Sipping hot rum punch, the doctor conveyed with a smile “You see, my seniors suggest, if I marry someone like you, my career will stall. I am already giving my USMLEs, and I don’t want to wait here for years.” If for nothing, I enjoyed her candidness, and for that matter paying the bill than in Manhattan.
“Love at the time of fuel crisis” I weaved romantic notions once more when I landed in KTM. It was only a matter of time I met a doctor in electric pagoda in Thamel, a place I loathed once but a quiet sojourn amid the crisis. Sipping hot rum punch, the doctor conveyed with a smile “You see, my seniors suggest, if I marry someone like you, my career will stall. I am already giving my USMLEs, and I don’t want to wait here for years.” If for nothing, I enjoyed her candidness, and for that matter paying the bill than in Manhattan.
Next, at the posh Le Trio in Jhamel, amid the who’s who of
the bygone era sipping their lattes and cappuccinos, we ordered jhol momos. Two
hours later, we were already finished with our talks. “You see, I really don’t
want to go to the US. I don’t want an apartment life like yours. I don’t want
to work so hard that we have to eat lunch at our desks. I don’t want to work
weekends. I have a decent job in the INGO here and I have a lot of fun, and I
get to travel. I think I want to marry someone from here. I have heard enough
from friends about the hardship in the US” The theme resonated on the next two
set-ups, be it in trendy café in Baluwatar or the Jazzmandu in Lazimpat. Things
may seem like a lost cause in Nepal, but among certain circles of Kathmandu, life
is beautiful!
“No one can marry without the right lagan” My mom tried to
cheer me up, on a cold November evening, wrapped in the blanket watching me
pack. “Just ask Shankar. He saw at least 50 girls. And when it happened, it
took a mere three days!” I stared her down, packed my suitcase, and headed
back.
For the first time in years, I felt a tinge of loneliness in
my apartment. We do have an apartment life here. I mostly have to eat at my
desk. I haven’t traveled anywhere in years. I don’t see my friends regularly.
Family seem so distant.
I lied in the rug in the floor and longed for a life back home – at least the social life. My phone pinged. An email from an old friend-
“It’s been ages. How are you? Did you marry your gf?”
“No. we broke up. How about you? Are you married with kids?”
“No. we broke up a while ago.”
“Why are we emailing like this? Don’t you use g-chat?”
“No – common this is fun. I don’t have g-chat”
“I didn’t know you were single. Maybe I can flirt with you?”
“Yes sure– but do you know how to?”
“I don’t know, but I’ll try!”
“You’re so stupid- you know. I have always known that”
“Indeed – I have been very foolish. I have the wisdom to prove it”
I lied in the rug in the floor and longed for a life back home – at least the social life. My phone pinged. An email from an old friend-
“It’s been ages. How are you? Did you marry your gf?”
“No. we broke up. How about you? Are you married with kids?”
“No. we broke up a while ago.”
“Why are we emailing like this? Don’t you use g-chat?”
“No – common this is fun. I don’t have g-chat”
“I didn’t know you were single. Maybe I can flirt with you?”
“Yes sure– but do you know how to?”
“I don’t know, but I’ll try!”
“You’re so stupid- you know. I have always known that”
“Indeed – I have been very foolish. I have the wisdom to prove it”
I remained in the floor that night emailing back and forth,
charging and recharging my phone- hoping, wishing, and contemplating the
unknown future with my fingers crossed.
You see friends, it has been the best of times. And the
worst of times!
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